depression (commonly described as sadness but may also mean boredom)

i've been kinda depressed lately. not only have i been expieriencing overwhelming sadness but i've been pretty bored, 2. i'm not trying 2 complain, i'm just saying that if the few things keeping me alive right now didn't exist, i would have shot myself in the head already. all i need 2 live is the internet, baseball, football, my phone, horses, photography, criminology, books, plaid, and good music. out of the millions of things in the world, those r the only things. other than that, i just feel like dying.

come on!!!

my friend mariana and i have been emailing over our mobile devices lately. she has an iPod touch that can send emails. i have an iPod touch and a phone that can b used 2 email. my iPod was stolen and hidden by nathan katica (i rly dont give a fuck if i spelled his name right or wrong), so i have 2 use my phone, which is rly cool bcuz i get radio and wi-fi on it. i believe i know where my iPod and old phone r, but i'll have 2 wait until school starts again 2 go look 4 them. anyhow, since the ppl @ verizon couldn't transfer my contacts from my old phone 2 my new phone, i need 2 get ppl's numbers again. so i've been asking mariana 4 her number over email but i'm not getting it. come on, mariana. while i'm waiting 4 her 2 reply, i'll b emailing others 4 their numbers.

help me please

this person's car alarm has been going off for five fucking minutes. i cant stand it. it just sounds like a constant blaring horn. it's 12 in the morning. and nobody wants 2 get out of fucking bed and shut their car up. i mean, something in ur car could b gone. y dont u get up and check? obviously, somebody did something 2 ur car. the alarm just doesnt go off by itself. so get the hell off ur lazy ass and go check it out.

milk?

i was surprised and disappointed 2 see that we were low on milk. poured myself a bowl of cereal. i went to the fridge 2 get milk, and i thought it felt kind of light. so i poured it in2 the bowl and almost nothing happened 2 it. so, i'm just like, "SHIT BUCKET!!!" now, i dunno if i should call my mom and tell her or not. cuz i dunno if she's going 2 the store or not. it would most definitely make sense 2 call her and ask.

my website

i've been editing my site a lot lately. it's kurtwaskilled.weebly.com. it's about kurt cobain. i believe he was murdered. basically, my site is based off of the investigation i'm conducting. so i've posted some interviews that i wish to have with ppl that were involved in kurt's life, death, and death investigation. i plan on moving to seattle to start my own business and maybe b a musician. i wanna move there after i graduate from college. i hope to go 2 valdosta state. so once i'm done there, i'll move 2 seattle and open my business, sign a contract with sub pop, and maybe find the ppl i want 2 interview 4 this case. i still need 2 post some interview questions but i have 2 come up with them first. so i'll update my site often. see ya there!

me

fave color: red
fave band: nirvana
fave song: fade by staind
fave word: fuck
fave food: chocolate
fave drink: gatorade
fave number: 3
fave singer: kurt cobain
fave guitarist: kurt cobain
fave bassist: krist noveselic
fave drummer: chad channing
fave website: youtube
fave girls name: lilian
fave boys name: charlie
fave sport: baseball
fave candy: caramel
fave anime: bleach
fave animal: horse/dog/cat
fave soda: root beer
fave greek god: posidon
fave show: i (almost) got away with it
fave movie: the sand lot
fave baseball team: braves/phillies/nationals/mariners/blue jays/pirates
fave football team: vikings/steelers/seahawks
fave flavor gum: original
fave type of chocolate: milk chocolate
fave soda brand: pepsi
fave subject: advisory
fave book: house of leaves
fave magazine: shonen jump
fave comic strip: garfield
fave flavor gatorade: glacier freeze
fave flavor powerade: fruit punch
fave vending machine snack: honeybun
fave forum: theforumsite.com and grungeforum.com
fave mythical creature: dragons
fave time of day: night
fave holiday: halloween
fave type of music: grunge/rock/metal/alternative/indie
fave nirvana song: scoff
fave metallica song: enter sandman
fave papa roach song: getting away with murder
fave breaking benjamin song: without you
fave three days grace song: no more/last to know
fave nickelback song: saving me/far away
fave three doors down song: citizen soldier/loser
fave queens of the stone age song: no one knows
fave framing hanley song: alone in this bed
fave five finger death punch song: far from home
fave pearl jam song: the fixer
fave stone temple pilots song: tripping on a hole in a paper heart
fave five for fighting song: superman
fave ice cream flavor: chocolate chip cookie dough

san bruno fire

so about all those california fires... the one in san bruno was HUGE!!! i remember watching a video on it. the person who posted it thought their house was on fire when they went home. it wasn't, though. but that fire was big. there was a natural gas pipe explosion in someone's back yard. if the home owners were there, then they're dead. if they weren't, lucky them. but i know the ppl who lived next door survived because they weren't present at the time of the explosion. YAY! i dunno if anybody died. i need 2 do research. i'll just take the time out to google search "san bruno fire." and ya know what's confusing? some houses were on fire, the houses behind the burning houses were fine, and the houses behind the houses NOT burning were in flames. that's so strange. but it's scary. not only are the houses burning, but the cars r being turned 2 ash as well. i'm just glad i don't live in this neighborhood. bcuz if i did, i'd either be homeless or living in a tiny pent house apartment. or maybe a residential hotel, which would actually b pretty awesome. but where would u find one of those? there probably isn't one in san bruno. when i'm in college studying criminal investigation, i'll go there over the summer and i'll look. but i really hope that neighborhood gets rebuilt and that natural gas problems get fixed bcuz natural gas companies can b pretty stupid. so that's y they always have problems. and they spend all that money to get the problems solved just so they can reoccur. that's a whole lotta money. who has the time 2 spend all that money let alone fix the goddamn problem on my own time? they'd still have 2 spend money, though. then the line would explode and cause another fire. it could be the size of the san bruno fire. but it might b bigger. it could b smaller, too. i just know that the san bruno fire could cost millions of dollars. that's just pitiful. america's tax dollars r supposed 2 go in2 paying teachers. now, it's going 2 fire damage in california.

october

i luv october. at school, october is national breast cancer month as well as national hall sweep month. those things i hate. but i luv october because it is officially autumn and autumn is my favorite season. also, it gets dark quicker and halloween is at the end of the month. im going trick or treating. i know its kinda stupid 4 a ninth grader 2 go trick or treating, but im gonna. see, i was gonna go last year, and last year was gonna b my final year 2 trick or treat, but i got grounded bcuz i failed french. so im making up 4 it this year. imma b kurt cobain. imma have 2 ask my mom if we can get my costume sometime soon. i need a blonde wig, a special shirt, a special sweater, and some black converses. so thats all i need. i already have the ripped up jeans, so im good there.

things and ppl that piss me off

tory
bugs
perky ppl
those tennis uniforms that old ladies wear
ppl who say that french is "like a song"
ppl who hate or dont know nirvana
ppl who hate pizza
cafeteria food
oatmeal raisin cookies
the band tenacious d
rats (ms. boyette, as well as the rat that crawled under my house and died)
pink
ms. saul
rap
r&b
justin bieber
ppl who don't listen 2 real music
the jonas brothers
miley cyrus
the whole hannah montana concept
asparagus (asparagrass)
huge musical instruments (seriously, what up w/ the tubas? how do u carry those around w/out killing urself?)
posers
the fact that psychiatrists just sit there and look concerned when they're rly not

my moods

gotta lot of moods. sometimes, on a rare occasion, im happy. mostly im depressed or really pissed off. idk what makes me so depressed. im not real sure i care what it is, either. i just want it 2 go away. all i've wanted since i was eleven was 2 b happy again.  but it hasnt happened. i mean, ive been happy on a few occasions, but i wanna b happier than that. and about the pissiness. i should probably make a list of things that piss me off. and there will b a lot of things. cuz im just as pissed off now as i was about the things that made me pissed off up 2 this very day. so here goes (in the next post).

tory from french 1

this guy is SOOOOOOOOO gay. i mean, have u seen the clothes he wears??? they are way 2 tight on him. and they're all bright and girly. his bag is kinda girly 2. and about those god ugly boots. he needs to burn those. along with his bag and girl clothes. he should stop going 2 h&m or where ever and be a real man. at least he should dress like one. he's an annoying bastard. in 3rd period johntrel, justin, and i were complaining about how gay, stupid, ugly, and a pain in the ass he is. asshole. u should have seen how he acted in class. i tried 2 b nice 2 him. all i got was "talk 2 the hand." i tried 2 help him and he said, "i didn't ask 4 ur help." well, he got it anyhow. he's just gonna have 2 accept help when he gets it. but i guess i wont try and help him anymore. if he fails french 1, thats his fault. i tried 2 help him and he wouldn't let me. so if he fails, the joke's on him. i need 2 find out his last name, 2. cuz i want 2 start an "i hate tory club". but if i just put "i hate tory," ppl would b like, "who's tory?" or, "which tory r u talking about?" so its gonna b the "i hate tory ------ club." and i hope he reads this, though i know he wont. nobody evr reads my blog. but imma get u tory. definitely not 2day... maybe not 2morrow, but i will get u. cuz he may think i cant get even w/ him or whatever cuz he's 18 and i'm only 15. just wait, tory.

the 911 call

nobody is quite sure what city this incident happened in except for those who experienced this paranormal event. there's a city in missouri. a man had just been recruited to the police department. this man, "charlie", was hired to investigate a double homicide. a man, "matt,"and a woman, "lillianne," were planning on divorcing. "matt" didn't want to divorce. so he followed his soon to be ex-wife as she pulled off with her new boyfriend, "ryan." as the couple pulled into an abandoned parking lot, so did "matt." he approached the car and killed the couple with a shotgun. "ryan" died instantly. "lillianne" called 911. the call went a little like this:


operator: 911, what's your emergency?
"lillianne": help me. i've been shot.
operator: what is your location?
"lillianne": i'm in my car. please help me.
operator: i'll send you some help. you just need to tell me where you are.
"lillianne": i don't know. it's all dark. i can't see. please help me.
operator: what is your name?


that is where the call ended. "lillianne" was gone. that night, police went to search for her and "ryan." they were no where to be found. at this time the following year, they tried again. they could not find the couple. they were starting to think a relative had called. so they played the tape for "Lillianne's" mother. she said it was definitely "Lillianne." the problem was, this wasn't a real call. no number had been registered into the 911 operating system. still, the police are searching. every Christmas Eve, a few detectives, somebody from the phone company, and a 911 dispatcher stay behind to work. at 7:06 p.m., the tapes activate and the call replays. everybody leaves the building with goose bumps they cannot describe.

poison fence

so i was at a pepsi plant 2day. see, my dad created the atlanta secret soapbox society. they race soapbox cars. so the meeting place was at a pepsi plant. my brother, aidan, his friend, also named aidan, and i were fooling around. my brother found two bones, the other aidan found a key, and i found a chain and a few poison boxes. these boxes probably lace the chain link fence with poison. b4 i knew this, i touched the fence 2 prove to my brother that wasn't an electric fence. then i found out. WHATS GONNA HAPPEN 2 ME!!! am i gonna die in my sleep?

glee

toldja i had 2 make a post on glee. and im doing it right now. see? so about glee... terrible show. they have really suckish songs on that show. lame excuse for a musical. they should have more awesome music. like linkin park, nirvana, 3 days grade, 3 doors down, against me!, breaking benjamin... stuff like that. ya know? awesome music. but they decide 2 have music 4 losers. all that r&b shit. I HATE U, GLEE!!! i would give it 5 thumbs down... if i had 5 thumbs.

thursday night trivia

my dad attends thursday night trivia a lot. he luvs the trivia part, but he luv seein' his friends more. so 2nite, he took my mom with him. see, my uncle died recently. and my mom's pretty depressed about it. but i mean, who isn't? so she went out 2 have fun with my dad and his friends. i wonder how long it'll last. because i hate being in a house when there r dead rats in the cellar. well, it's not really a cellar, but its under the house like a cellar is. so some exterminator came out 2day 2 get it. but he couldn't enter the "cellar". so i presume he was pretty fat. poor guy. so my dad had to go under there and look for it. he couldn't find it though. but he had a pretty good idea. but he wants to make sure its where he thinks it is b4 he attempts 2 haul it out. at least my dad's an underweight (unhealty) camera man instead of a fat (also unhealthy) exterminator. i dont want my dad 2 b an exterminator. i dont think he wants 2 b one either. so thats all 4 this post. i gotta make a post on glee.

me as a girly girl

i'm a tomboy. i mean, i'm a heavy tomboy. no pink, only certain shades of purple, rock music, Seattle Sound (grunge), metal malitia, stuff like that, u know? i love dark colors and i find yellow somewhat annoying. i hate it when ppl talk about butterflies, their smoking hot bf's, who got in a fight with who on facebook (bookface)... it's just so stupid. what happened to sports and skateboards? while visualising all this, i thought, what if i was a girly girl?


i would probably fall in love with justin bieber, wear a bunch of girly clothes, actually be nice to people. i'd hate sports and getting sweaty and i'd like light colors instead of dark colors. maybe, i'd be a bigger fan of crap music (pop, r&b) and rap (which isnt music). i'd wear nail polish and like pink and like all shades of purple. maybe i would like yellow, too. i wouldn't mind all that gossip.


but reading back, i find all that is kind of stupid. justin bieber is a girl and is really gay. crap music gives me a head ache, i can't live without sports, gossip is stupid (depending on what you're gossiping about), and i really don't like the word "gossip." yellow hurts my eyes, pink sucks, i'm limited to the darker shades of purple, and i wouldn't wear nail polish if it could save my life. i like the way i am now.

homecoming?

for homecoming this year, there are three themes: Candyland, Casino Royale, and Modern Films. so in advisory today, we voted on which theme we wanted for homecoming week. of course, i didn't vote. all the ideas suck (aren't i optomistic) so it doesnt really matter to me which one wins. because, for Candyland, you see gumdrops and candy canes and sugar everywhere (it's obviously fake). for Modern Films, they probably will play Star Wars and Jurassic Park. and my peers want to act like they're gambling? Casino Royale is a "NO" as well. so no cheesy gamblers, sci-fi movies, or pussy-cat ballerinas with huge lollipops. that whole Candyland is as creepy as hell anyhow. i'm tired of sci-fi, and the whole gambling thing is depressing. i'm exhausted from sci-fi because my brother is in love with it. gamblers are addicted because they do it until they win and that's just sad. some people give up their cars, their entire property, all their money, everything they have until they dont have anything anymore. even then, they still want to gamble. and candylanders are all too perky for me to feel comfortable.

school

at school, the cafeteria slop is either pizza, subs, pasta, or something else really nasty that looks like it was put together at the last minute and is way under cooked. sometimes i think the cafeteria staff r trying to kill the students. thats y i only get chocolate milk which the cafeteria doofuses didnt put together at all, thank god. this is tha bad part of sysco catering company. the food is supposed to be put together at the last minute and under done. they want us dead. i wonder what all they put in the vomit that they cater.

i lead a boring life

on weekdays i get up so goddamn early, i get dressed, i eat breakfast, i brush my teath, i brush and straiten my hair, then i leave for the bus stop which is at the top of my street. on "a" days, i have personal fitness, biology, literature, and math. on "b" days, i have world geography, french (with tory, who i hate), study skills, and guitar. every weekday morning after the freshmen are dismissed, i go to the breakfast line even though i already had breakfast and i get honey nut cheerios and chocolate milk. then i go to class. at lunch time, i dont eat the caffeteria slop. i go to the vending machine and just buy a bunch of chocolate and sometimes i'll have a rice crispies treat. sometimes, denending on how i feel, i will sit with my friends. other times i'll be too depressed or pissed off to sit with them and i'll sit alone. i hate how at lunch ppl i dont know come up to me an ask me if im okay cuz usually i tend to show outward signs of depression or pissiness. i tell them no and to go talk to somebody who knows them. cuz im a pretty mean person when i want to be. (note to ms. saul: just cuz im depressed or pissed off doesnt mean imma kill myself.) so usually when i'm sitting alone, depressed or pissed off, i listen to my iPod. thats the only time sergeant jett wont confiscate ur iPod during the day. and u can also listen 2 ur iPod after school while waiting 4 ur bus or waiting for ur parents to pick u up. nobody will confescate them then either. cuz school is ovr. so on weekends, i sleep in late and i dont get out of bed until i feel like it, unless the house is on fire or maybe someone is dying. and i am not a morning person so if u wake me up early in the morning, i'll jus b like, "go away unless it's super important." (as i mentioned earlier, if the house is burning down or if someone is about to die.) so yeah, that's my boring life.

y i hate ms. saul

she called me out of mr. jones' math class in 8th grade. i could have sworn maybe i did something wrong. so thats part of the reason i hate her... cuz she made me freak out. but when i got to her office, she told me that she heard i was suicidal. i swear, i smelled my friend chaise's name all over this situation. i was thinking that i'd rather b in math class cuz she was lying to me about suicidal thoughts that i wasnt even having. rly, i wasnt thinking about suicide in any way (i.e. kurt cobain didnt commit suicide, which he didnt. i have proof). so the whole time, i got more and more pissed off at the fact that she kept lying to me about stupid things like suicide. at the end, that's when i hated her the most. because not only did she continuously lie to me, but she called my mom about it too. then my dad got pissed off at me and started yelling at me thinking i wanted 2 commit suicide because kurt cobain did (even though he didn't. i'll post the proof some time). so i'd like to thank her for getting me in huge trouble just by lying. imma get her back one day. i dunno how yet, but i will do it and then she'll regret the whole "this person is contemplating suicide." cuz she know's it's not true.

ppl i hate

maren

that guy who wants to b my school's mascot (dont know his name and i dont give a flying shit)

did i mention maren?

ppl who say "i fucked ur mom (dad) last night"

jesse mccartney

taylor lautner

lindsay lohan

t-pain

chris brown

hillary duff (nobody likes her anymore)

caroline geckler (idk y i hate her but i just do)

p. diddy

ms. boyette

ms. western

tori (the creepy, stupid, ugly senior who sits next 2 me in french class)

paige buchanan

ppl who call other ppl "boo" (paige buchanan)

ppl who call other ppl "hun" or "honey" (yeah u sheller, u called me "hun" once)

ppl who hate nirvana

ppl who dont know nirvana

ms. saul (yeah, thanks 4 thinking i'd choose suicide ovr friends)

ppl who make a big fuss ovr their boy/girlfriends

phoebe muth (or phobo muck cuz she's mucky and she's a hobo)

mr. jones (u can tell he has a lot more coffee than coach whitman. if possible, mr. jones has a lot more coffee in one day than whitman could have in a year. its a possibility that he uses heroin 2. very scary person)

hookers

hippies

hobos (like phoebe)

one other sutton teacher (4got her name and shes not rly a teacher)

rly perky ppl
tori

........ and one more person. maren.

i'll add more as i remember them

things i hate

spiders

rats

racoons

chocolate with almonds

salad

pineapple

chinese food

snakes

brussle sprouts

asparagus

coca cola

sweet potatoes

ppl who think they're better than others

ppl who think they're all that

the color pink

certain shades of purple

new pop music (i like 80's and 90's pop)

rap

r&b

silverstars (yes, the dancers)

cheerleaders

the way ebraheim delgado talks 2 me (i dont care if i misspelled his name)

my medications (especially the steroids for my poison ivy)

poison ivy

insects
ppl in general

... i'll add more as i think of it

and let me mention that im not a flower person.

back 2 school

i am back at school now. im in 9th grade. its rly fun.